Before having children, I used to raise an eyebrow (yes - I can do that) when I heard women say "I feel like a really bad mum". No mum is a bad mum. Neither are they a good mum. I mean it's irrelevant. Every mum is the very best mum for their children to have. We all have our off-days but...if you are a mum and you are reading this, then you are the very, very best your children could have, simply because you are their mum.
Now that I am a mum, I realise why mothers come out with that phrase, and I'm ashamed to admit to using it myself from time to time.
How and when, though, can you evaluate your parenting skills? I do so practically every day. However, I believe that no parent can really know how "successful" they have been until .... when? I don't know. Is it when the child turns 18 and leaves home? 21 and graduates? 30? 40? 50? Never?
Anne and I had an interesting discussion about what we want for our children - she gave an excellent response that she has outlined in her most recent post on her blog. She hoped that her children would be inspired; inspired by something. I share this vision for mine. I'll elaborate: I'd like them to be passionate about something, or even lots of things (I'm not extremely passionate about any one thing, but I am quite passionate about a lot of things). The greatest joy of parenting for me is introducing my children to things that they may become passionate about: music, photography, aeroplanes, books, paints, mending things, anything and everything. At the moment, Isabel (age 20 months) loves jumping and Michael (age 4) loves laptops. And if there isn't a laptop about the place, he makes them out of books, boxes, you name it....
Anyway, I am going to give a good deal more thought to this. What are my objectives as a parent? What is my vision? (I'm not talking about what I want my children to end up doing or being as that's not a matter for me). I do know though (from my days as a management trainer) that you can not evaluate your success in any role unless you have established clear objectives against which to measure yourself.
It's hard, being a mum. But I think that thinking that is a good sign!
4 comments:
Hello Ruth!
I think this is the first time I have visited your blog. I have bookmarked it, and I will begin poking around now!
I agree with you that there is no appropriate time where we can really evaluate our parenting skills. I think when our children are out of the house and making decisions, we can reflect. What will the reflection lead us to? Probably things we would do differently, and hopefully a lot of fond memories of things we did well.
I think it is important for us to keep everything in perspective. All of our children will have their rough patches, and even the best raised children can make horrible judgement calls. I am not arrogant or naive to think my children will be any different!
So, you and I have dedicated ourselves to raising our children the best we possibly can. I know there will be bumps, but I know I can turn to God with those bumps, and their father and I can pray that they will sail out of the bumps with spiritual growth to show for it!
I have been thinking about this one.
Being a good Mum starts as soon as you have baby, doing what is right for you and that baby. It may be a different 'right' each time, as I have found out along the way, due to each one's individuality, but it's also likely to be different from your mum, your sister, your best friend and your neighbour.
The trick is, confidence and self-belief. Trust yourself to be you and do what's right for both/all of you and just because someone says, (like my eldest sister-in-law, "Well, the way I see it, Vicki, is..." ALL the time) that they would do/have done something differently, don't doubt yourself.
It has taken my a long time to gain that confidence in my own parenting skills and I know I am giving my children the best start I can, which is all that matters. There will be things that, in the future, my children might say "You didn't do that", or "You did such and such", but that in itself is a lesson, I learnt from what I did/didn't like from my childhood and tried to change or improve on it. I will do my best not to beat myself up about it, I'm doing my best!
x
I am watching my little ones as adults now. I realized that they are chosing their own path. The dreams, and aspirations that I had in my heart as I held that new born are not as important anymore because my children are following their own path. Have I been a good Mom? Well.. what I see is that I gave my children the realization, and inner determination that they are capable of chasing their own dreams. They also know that I love them dearly even when their dreams are not the same as the ones that I held within me for them.
What lovely, heartfelt and helpful responses - thank you! I do love my blog commenters.
Thanks for visiting RT. I hope we see you again!
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